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|Tuesday, August 5th, 2008|
so I haven't been on here in nearly two weeks, I've been too busy and too tired and to be honest, i just couldn't be bothered...so there
i'd say that i've stopped restricting, but i guess it's just because i'm eating a bit more than i usually do, it's probably still not a normal amount, especially when i've taken to purging multiple times an evening to get rid of it. noodles, yoghurt, veggies as well as the usual bad stuff.
and I don't know whether it's related to it or not but i'm dizzy most the time and have constant chest pains, like a pulled muscle or something, just under my left breast. not incapacitatingly bad pains, but ones that take my breath away a bit.
i have to go to the doctors next week because i have low levels of iron. it is leaving me completely continually drained and getting colds easier. i know they will say to eat a rich iron diet to combat it and i could do that...i'll just bring it all up in the toilet afterwards. bit of a catch 22 situation i guess. i don't want the iron deficiency and the effects it has on me but i do want the ed. I can't seem to have both though. i guess i will stay deficient. and this isn't me being defeatist over my ed and give giving into it and not trying. because i did try to get over it, for 3 years. nothing i try works so i'm just sticking with it. if i want to get better one day i'm sure i will, but for now, no thanks
|Friday, July 11th, 2008|
oh my goodness my throat is hurting even more today than it was the past two days. I don't get this usually after lots of purging, maybe it isn't the purging and a throat infection or seomthing? it is all red and yukky.
my head has been pounding all day today too, i feel woosey and not good at all. oh, and to top everything off, I saw my mum for the first time in a while yesterday and i had a text message from her this morning saying she was worried about me again. apparently i look very down and tired and like i'm not lookin after myself...acting skills obviously need touching up...
|Thursday, July 10th, 2008|
I love how i come on here 24 hours from when I put some of the first pics up of my annabel and teh pet picture day (or couple of days!) is still going on! you all have adorable pets, but i especially love the stories of the rescued ones who were in a bad way and you nursed back to health, it is the same story with my annabel :)
urgh, i ate dinner then purged, then had some dessert and purged that too. the roof of my mouth is horrendously bruised and i have a stabbing sharp pain above my right eye. what fun times. the eye thing is rather annoying can't actually see out of it properly it hurts so much :( serves me right for purging i guess, i don't do it for a month then 3 times in two days. old habits die hard
|Wednesday, July 9th, 2008|
I was meant to go out for my housemate's birthday tonight, he only announced the meal during the day via email, and I was obviously worried about food etc. also a lot about money because i have none and just cant afford it. so in the end I had to stay late at work (am going to texas for meetings a week on saturday...anyone here from houston or dallas?!?!?) and made my ecuses and i didn't go. I went to the shops and bought a scary arse sports bra. I've been meaning to buy one for months but never got round to it. I look HILARIOUS in it, it completely stops my 32d's moving around but is like some industrial ridiculous thing! i'll have to post pictures at some point....
anyway, i was silly and got thinking to binging, so then i did binge (on fish and chips-grease heaven) and it was far more than i usually do. i actually felt full off of it and that never happens. naturally, because i felt so full i had stuff flying out of me for a good while, a *successful* purge shall we say, you know, one of the ones where you don't even try. i dont even purge that much anymore, but i did and i'm not upset by it, i was just glad to be rid of the food, you know?
anyway, a glass of wine on a (now empty) stomach and i'm feeling at peace and sleepy and laughing about my hugemous sports bra
|Monday, July 7th, 2008|
urgh, what a weekend. i ate sooooo much crap and it all stayed inside me and man am i feeling guilty now.
it was my best girlfriend's birthday and we had a whole weekend of girl time which involved pizza, indian, maccy d and chinese, not to mention alcohol and sweets....i haven't eaten like that in months, no, years. all my girlfriends eat like troopers, they really pack it away. i am at least 1 dress size smaller than them but i felt like the only bloater there...i couldn't even get rid of it, not that i would have, i tend to just not eat much these days. purging is almost impossible in the house share i am in.
anyway, i had a big work out last night and a 2 mile walk home from work tonight followed by 30 mins swimming. i still feel bad, i still will until i've been good like i have today for the whole week. i can tell i've been bad this past weekend by the fact that i'm actually pooping a whole lot, something i find almost impossible to do usually. it's literally been 3 or 4 times today...what the hell is going on!?!
i was talking to an lj friend earlier on msn, she keeps telling me to look after myself. i don't think i'm that bad, esp judging by the past weekends letting go. we almost had an arguement over it and nikki, i'm sorry if you read this. i do want to be doing 'better' in this ed world, (hence actually doing worse in 'healthy terms') i am desperately unhappy in the way i look and feel about myself. no matter what anyone says i see a blob. i see flabby thighs and my jeans cutting into my fat sides. i see breasts that are too big and chubby upper arms. i sit there pulling skin and flesh back, imagining what i'd look like with an inch less here and 3 inches less there...
i despair of myself. i do NOT want to get 'better', because i know i cant be happy being me like that. i tried that, it didn't work.
i'm sorry for my ramblings, i just needed to vent it to someone. urgh, someone give me a knife so i can trim off all this excess...
|Friday, June 20th, 2008|
so i am even lower now than i was when i wrote in the life beyong eds community earlier on.
so i decided to eat and eat and eat. oh yeah, and then bring all up in the toilet again straight after. then i did this whole little routine again with some dessert... only i couldn't get much of it up and now i feel bad. i don't even feel full but i feel really guilty.
i think i couldn't do it because my housemates were in. even though they were in a room with the door shut and the tv on and i was in a locked bathroom with the shower going, i was just too aware of them being there. they weren't in when i started making all the food, i should have timed things better.
dreading this weekend. EVERYONE is away or busy this weekend and i'm therefore on my own doing nothing the whole time. if i think im low now, just wait until this time tomorrow. i will be ten times worse. i wish i wouldnt be, feeling like this is unbearable, but with no one around i'm a bit stuck
|Tuesday, June 17th, 2008|
and i dont think i have any throat left, its' red raw
gave myself a nosebleed throwing up so hard. stupid boys, stupid me for letting them have this affect on me. all that restraint from eating and i go mess it up. i'm such a loser and a waster for it
i reckon tonight was the first time i actually got everything up, ever. usually i am quite half arsed in my purging but i was so ademant it all had to come back up tonight and my head pounds now.
neighbours are having a bbq and as my room is at the back of the house i doubt i'll get any sleep tonight. go me
|Friday, June 13th, 2008|
another good day. another day of watching things closely.
this evening i hit the gym hard for 45 minutes and felt heaps better for it. then i made a big (and healthy) apple crumble and shared it with my housemate. i'm still within the limits i set myself so i'm not feeling so bad. it's been 48 hours and i'm feeling a difference. i know that shounds silly to say but i do, i just feel things aren't quite so big around my stomach and hips.
i'm looking forward to hitting the gym again tomorrow, it makes me so so tired but i know it is good for me.
my housemate bought the scales today, i need to work my arse off before i step on them. i havent felt this much determination in a long time
|Thursday, June 12th, 2008|
|Bad numbers and new resolutions...
I so badly wanted to write in here last night but the website was down...lots of updating to be done...
Yesterday I had to go register with my new doctor. part of the registration is to have a health check with the nurse. When she asked me to get on the scales I told her I didn't want to know the number and she twigged that I had issues in that area. She said she wouldn't say it outloud and I was happy.....
...until she wrote it down on a piece of paper in huge writing and left it on the desk infront of me, OF COURSE I'M GOING TO LOOK! And I am traumatised from what I saw. I walked home in a state of disbelief, I haven't weighed myself in about 2-3 years and I was far more than I imagined. I jumped straight in the pool when I got home and did 80 laps, followed by a trip to the supermarket where I bought hundreds of rice crackers and nothing else.
I have resolved to lose this weight, one stone to start with and then a further half stone after that.
Today went well, I confided in my housemate about all of this and she resolved to help me along with it. She has issues in this area too and knew what I was going through. I managed to eat only a little bit of cereal and some rice crackers during the day, and just got back from a meal out with her where I checked the menu before we went and managed to find a dish that was only 250 calories. Suprisingly it was really tasty and I am well under 800 calories which is my limit per day (I think I am about 550 calories and it is already 8.30pm)
I'm going to go exercising at every opportunity I get, and if I don't go one day I'm going burn double the amount of cals the next day (800 instead of the usual 400)
I need to get rid of this extra weight SOON, I am mortified at what the scales said and am determined that they will reveal something more pleasing when I next weigh myself in two weeks time. I don't want to weigh myself before then because otherwise I won't see a big enough change (also because I haven't got around to buying some new scales yet!!)
fingers and toes crossed
|Sunday, June 8th, 2008|
|Sunny days...no one to share them with...
Hum, decided to start keeping my journal again, i have so many thoughts and i like being able to look back on them.
It is so sunny and hot in England today and I am lyinginfront of my open patio doors trying to sun my legs-i have tan lines on them from when I rolled my jeans up the other day. I have the TV on in the background and my cat Annabel is nesting in a pile of streamers we had for a party here last week. Pretty nice day you think?
Well, I don't think so. I feel so lonely. A guy I had seen for the past two weekends who liked me and I liked too arranged to do something with me for last night. Only I never heard from him. I left him a voicemail but he never replied. I became so low and upset and down and hid in bed all day yesterday. WHy do I always pick the mean ones who dont treat me properly? I ended up going out to see a few girlfriends and then had brunch with one of them this morning. everyone I know has boyfriends and girlfriends and is out enjoying the sun with them, and I am at home with the cat...i feel so pathetic.
i literally have no friends around where I live...I go back to my hometown at the weekends to spend time with my old schools friends but I get so down and lonely when they are busy, like they are today. i dont go out because i dont have anyone to go out with, so how will i ever meet new people? I also dont have the money, I am so poor.
It is two weeks until payday and I am flat broke, it makes everything so depressing having no money. i really need to sort my money out, every month i am more in debt and it brings me down further.
and one of my closest friends, one of my housemates, has has an ongoing ED history i recently found out...which kind of sparks mine up again too. i am glad that it does though, because i feel like such a lump at the moment and i need the motivation. she is a dress size smaller than me and i feel huge next to her. i have no idea what i weigh these days, i dont weigh because i'd just get obsessed with it. but i want to know so so much. i manage to restrict most of the day to cereal and fruit, but i dont think i ever lose anything, i dont feel like i am anyway.
i just feel lonely, there are very few people who would notice if i disappeared
|Monday, October 30th, 2006|
i havent written in here in a very long time but i am reaching breaking point and i have no one to turn to. i need to express how i am feeling
so any thoughts of starting threapy in the near future are out of the window, aparently i am number 22 on the list so i have a long wait ahead of me.
i have had this fucking eating disorder in its current form for a year now and i am sick (No pun intended) to the back teeth of it.
my body is vile and i hate it. i spend money i dont have on food i scoff so quickly that i dont even taste it, only to throw it up 5 minutes later. i havent had a thought out planned binge in a while but i had one about an hour ago. a whole pizza, a large tub of yoghurt and several cakes. vile. i think i got it all up though, what i was bringing up by the end was not food so i can only assume my stomach is once again empty, the only way i am comfortable being.
having watched THIN by lauren greenfield last week, i have come to the scary conclusion that i am not where i want to be. i want to be sick, i dont want to get better. i hate the power this illness has over me but i also depend on it. i know no other way.
i just hate myself. i am shaking as i write this. i cant see properly.
|Sunday, June 18th, 2006|
i know it is pinning a lot on it, but i really hope thailand knocks some kind of sense into me. i really need it to
so 3 days of really good exercising (maybe a little bit exessive...) and good eating and i am just tucking into a 250g bar of chocolate...why? i dont know. im not hungry, i consciously decided that before i peeled the wrapped down, but i want it so im having it....and i know i'll feel guilty. how can i ever be expected to lose weight 'healthily' by exercising and eating right when i then go and gorge on 1000 cals in one fair swoop. to be fair i have eaten 1000 cals max throughout today and burnt about 700 at the gym so i know this really isnt the end of the world. but thailand is a week away and i feel like i am deliberatly sabbotaging my body.
congratulations kate, another form of self harm ticked off
|Saturday, June 17th, 2006|
I HATE MY HOUSE I HATE MY HOUSE I HATE MY HOUSE.
i dont want to put the blame on others but all my housemates are so triggering to me. and not because they leave shitty food lying around. because they leave ALL THEIR SHIT lying around
i just spent the past half hour doing the dishes and disinfecting all the surfaces in the kitcehn because it was VILE, i swear things were about to walk away themseleves. yuk. and the two worst culprits just sat there watching shitty tv that they dont even like, oblivious to the fact that here i am, tidying up THERI shit. i hadnt cooked a meal down there all week and yet i do the dishes, they are all fowl and i hate them. as soon as my contract finsihes on sept 1st i am out of here to housemates that pull their bloddy weight.
they get me so damn angry. one of them cracked a 'joke' about how i should get discount on my rent for all the cleaning i do. "well no one else is going to bloody do it are they?" i say back. "well i try to tidy up after myself" she says.....try??? MY ARSE SHE TRIES i just want to shout and scream and yell at them but i know it will do no good, that approach has been taken before and yet we are still in this situation.
they arent just lazy, they are oblivious. they are in their own little worlds, really, literally.
and i need to vent this anger somehow but the option i instantly think of is the 1kg bar of cadburys dairy milk on my desk. no no no no no no no no
damn this mess
|Sunday, June 11th, 2006|
my stomach is sticking out
my thraot is burning
my knuckles are red
im feeling like the biggest fattest failure to walk this planet
|Wednesday, June 7th, 2006|
weather is still fabulous in merry old england so i decided to treat myself. 2 creole chicken skewers and a few chicken wings with some salad. nice summery bbq type food. its all ive eaten today and although i feel pretty full (and uncomfortable) it is staying inside me because it is all i have had, it is also pretty good for me and way under cals per day i should be having.
so yeah, thats it, thats all that has happened today. baby steps kate, baby steps kate.
i am fabulously tired and have a day off work tomorrow which i am going to use and enjoy. im going to have a long sleep, go to the gym and dye my hair and then just generally bask in the sun in the garden. i am ALWAYS dying my hair...anyone else like this?! its like i get bored and BAM, the dye comes out. i have extremely dark brown hair for a while but am returning to my natural(ish) hair colour, mid to light brown with dark blond bits to break the colour up a bit...pics to follow....
|Tuesday, June 6th, 2006|
i hate that every time i post on here it is with megative stuff, but i have nowhere else to vent it and i feel asthough i cant go on like this anymore.
i got home from work and sunbathed in the garden all afternoon. lovely. then i went to the movies my myself for a bit of me time. then i came home. en route i have bought 6 cakes and i just ate them all. it was a perfectly calculated binge and i had every intention of purging it afterwards. i was almost excited by the prospect of it. how twisted is that.
so i flick on the shower and spend the next20 mins but i completely and utterly failed. my knuckles are red raw, my head is pounding and my eyes hurt from all the effort. and i only got a tiny bit up.
even the bad stuff i do i fail at. and now i have to live with an extra 1500 cals that i was convinced i would get rid of and i am more of a fatty and a failure than i was an hour ago
i hate feeling like this. i want to disappear
|Monday, June 5th, 2006|
hum, eaten a suprising amount today and although i can feel the guilt eating me up, i have just looked in the mirror and i am not a giant fatty. i am not i am not i am not.
feel as though i i am a giant fatty. my stomach isnt bursting but is content and it hasnt been in a while. i have had lots of fruit today and two proper meals. definately not beyond 1500 cals. even that feels like a monstrosity of a number though technically i know that that is the bare minimum of what a "healthy" person should have daily.
thailand is officially only three weeks away. this time in 21 days i will be half way through a 12 hour flight. that means bikini time. and i just tried them on. i am not huge i am not hideous. i have a figure i know tonnes of peoples would kill for. i need to learn to love it.
the thing that worries me the most though, is if i begin to get over this disorder, what will replace it? instead of overatin and purging will it be alcohol? smoking? drugs? even just overexercising. i dont want to replace it with somethin but at the same time i feel myself clinging on to it for dear life as it has become my life. i have nothing else now. it is one thing that i feel defines me